Friday, February 3, 2012

An exercise in "what?": A review of 1313: Actor Slash Model

1313: Actor Slash Model......?

So I don't normally do film reviews but I enjoyed writing my last one so much I wanted to do it again...  And this was a perfect place to start for all the wrong reasons.

Welcome to the world of David DeCoteau girls!!  A new name that found it's way into my catalog thanks to the power of Netflix. What could be a better premise for a chick inspired horror flick but "Four hot man models stalked by one not so hot jealous actor angry at losing roles to them..."?

Well... much like it's "naked tittie" counterpart for the male crowd?  These things are really only meant to watch and not hear.


1313 begins in stupidity, swims in stupidity, kills with stupidity and well.. I think you get the point.  As a girl I suppose I could appreciate the attempt to make a film that isn't covered in mammaries and slut snatch, but for a guy however?  Expect a shirtless sausage fest that could only be saved with decent acting... this film delivers one of the two and I wouldn't count on the latter.  

The story lacks any depth (as most F horror seems to), it's protagonist, "a disgruntled not so pretty actor" spends the entire film walking around with a steak knife.  His goal?  To take his man model adversaries out one by one for stealing his chance at becoming a leading man because we all know, "Models are not real actors".  So with said knife gleaming in the daylight (yes not a frame of this takes place at night)and a six pack sporting monkey on his shoulder, our angry little serial monster goes on the hunt.  

Now, I can enjoy a good cliche?  But over an hour of weightlifting, pool swimming, shower scenes, and traipsing around an empty house yelling, "Hello?" is even too much for me to sit through without multiple eye rolls lined in the curiosity of how these films see the light of day.   Every kill is off screen so not a drop of red finds it's way on camera (at least the boobie fests get that right), and not a single character is distinguishable from the rest.  I can't even describe the lack of acting ability, I assume these fellas walk into the casting room, lift their shirts, and it's all good. 

On a positive note? It is shot and edited with some sense of understanding of how a movie is made.  DeCoteau isn't green by any means.  He probably shouldn't write ever again?  But he at least understands the technical side of the process... 


Guys? Run away fast. Girls, save yourself an hour and a half unless you're really hard up for a lonely nighttime material date with a group of faceless man whores (I warn you ahead of time the camera never goes below the belt).  Better yet, just buy a play girl... the dudes in there don't talk... or lift weights over and over.. and over.

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